I Disagree with Juliet
Content Advisory: This post briefly mentions abuse, and family dynamics, without specific details.
“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet,” muses Juliet in William Shakespeare’s famous tragedy.
As we all know, Juliet is heart-broken that her new-found love Romeo is a Montague, a family battling a long feud with her very own, The Capulets. In essence, she tragically desires that Romeo could have a different last name, because the bonds of their love would be the same regardless of what he is called.
To some extent, I understand the sentiment. Our sensory experience of this world can be a true delight, and if we open ourselves to it, a beautiful smell is a beautiful smell, regardless of what it is named.
And yet, the smell of a rose is not a fair comparison to the meaning of a name. Names do matter. I disagree with Juliet.
Our lineage matters. Who we choose to love matters. Falling in love is a sweet thought, but beyond the initial excitement, love is an active choice. We get frustrated with those we love. Sometimes we love and do not understand one another. Sometimes we love and hurt one another. To be loving toward anyone requires a choice, a stance, even if it is long-distance, energetic, and from afar.
When I got married in 2014, I changed my last name. This was a huge choice for me. I am the same person, and I am not. Everyone who knows me from childhood remembers me as Ellen Philpott, and that is a beautiful identity I have. And still, I chose to take my husband’s last name, Geoffrion, with care. I did not drop who I was, and yet, I was also becoming something new.
As we review our lives, we can all recall a name that has been painful, or that doesn’t resonate with us. What names carry pain for you?
My mother’s second husband, Rick, was physically and emotionally abusive toward her. I witnessed this as a first grader and I was terrified. Thus, that name carries a lot of weight for me. It’s not me trying to be an asshole to all of the Ricks out there. I know many of them are lovely. It’s a name, but more importantly, a specific person that I have charged memories around.
In my experience, one wild piece about parenting is naming your child. It is a choice they do not get to make when they are in the womb, or a newborn. Jason and I sought to listen for our child’s essence, to something we were called to. Our daughter is Coraleigh, which means heart healer. This essence is very true for her.
And yet, even as a 5 1/2 year old, at times she demands that we not call her Coraleigh. Lately, she is sweetly obsessed with all things cats. We have a dog, not a cat! But she loves cats to a large degree. She wears kitty ears at times, collects kitty toys, listens to the original Broadway recording of Cats, and sometimes even demands that her name is “Cora Cat, not Coraleigh.”
While this is mostly hilarious now, I explain to Coraleigh why we gave her this name, and what her birth story represents. It is important that she knows. AND, it is also important that as parents we remember to surrender as she matures. She is already her own person; it is our responsibility to guide her to be a loving and kind one. She is our child, but we do not own her. We gave her a name that means something to us. We can hope it will mean something to her. Will it?
It matters that your name resonates with you. It represents your identity. Everyone that you encounter will call you by this name.
This word and nicknames close to your heart will be heard by you perhaps more than any other, and certainly in all things emotional.
“Ellen, I love you. Ellen, I am disappointed in you. Elle, I am here for you. Philly-potts, my dear friend! Ms. Ellen, I have so much to tell you today! Ellen, my heart is broken. Mrs. Geoffrion, please sign these documents to release your daughter from the NICU. Elle-Belle, I miss you.”
Names matter.
I work with many clients who make empowered choices about their names:
I will not change my name if I get married.
I will change my name if I get married.
My birth name does not match my gender identity.
My birth name does not match who I feel myself to be.
I have a dead name and no longer choose to be associated with it.
These statements can be tender, difficult, powerful, meaningful, joyful.
If you are a parent of a child or have a loved one who has changed their name, I am here for you. I imagine it is a difficult process.
And I ask you to stay curious, to be open to who this person is becoming, to grieve the name you gave or knew them by, and to continue to celebrate this beautiful being. It is not about you.
If you have changed your name, I am here for you. I imagine it is a difficult process. And I honor your courage to find what resonates for you, even as it may be tender for you and your family.
If you don’t already know what your name means, I encourage you to explore it. This can be a deep and restorative practice. You can traverse this on your own, or we can journey with it and stay curious together in session. I welcome your thoughts.
What does your current name mean? Research your first, last, and middle names if you don’t already know. Do they resonate with you? Do they have familial meaning?
Have you made an empowered and thoughtful choice to change your name?
If so, what does this mean to you? Have those who knew your initial name reacted? Were you able to move forward in reconciliation if this was difficult?
What does it mean to honor your lineage and where you came from?
What does it mean to be your own person?
Wishing you each self-compassion, empowerment, and authentic connection with those you love ~
And for curious mind who want to know, Ellen means light.
From my light to yours,
Ellen
